Awry, Amiss, Amok


What I'm about to share with you is very important, so I should hope you treat this information with the respect it deserves:

On Thursday night Peter, Marty, and I invented the World's Best Sport; ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Baton-Face. The 'baton' is a rolled up magazine covered in tape. Two opponents face each other with their hands forward, holding two batons between them. This is best described by the graphic composed of MSN Messenger emotive-icons shown. Someone says '3, 2, 1 Go!' (this is usually chanted by the massive audience) and then the mystic pantomime of Baton-Face begins. The challengers must wrest one of the batons out of the hands of their opposite, and manage to konk him on the head with it before he regains control of it. A konk on the head signals the end of the round and the Baton-Face Leaderboard is updated. There is a big yellow star for the person with the best wins-to-games-played ratio.

I realise this has the potential to sound like any old lame tug-o-war game, but trust me, this one is different. It is amazing. It is beautiful to behold. The move that cemented my place in the hearts of flatmates everywhere consists of sweeping my right foot forward and to the left while dropping my shoulders, and then spinning and lifting, causing feather-weight Marty to sail bodily through the air and reliquinsh the baton, within seconds of the opening shout. To be fair, Marty's trick of sitting on my face while grinding his knees into my wrists was also a bit of a crowd-pleaser.

After two days, there are eight people listed on the Baton-Face Leaderboard - this is testament to the undefiled allure of the sport. Go now, take this kernel of knowledge, this gift - tape up a magazine and get wrastling!


Anonymous said...

The importance of punctuation..

wow Baton face sounds real riveting richard.

Wow Baton! face real riveting richard.

wow! Baton face sounds real. riveting richard.

wow! Baton face sounds.
real riveting richard.

wow ~(what the hang is that symbol for!) Baton. face sounds. real riveting. richard?

Richard D. Bartlett said...


Richard D. Bartlett said...

Okay that comment is bugging me so I will make another attempt...

What are you talking about!? Are you saying I have poor skills of a punctuator? I must have picked that trick up from Nietzsche —.

Or are you actually suggesting that Baton-Face is not the best sport to enter the universe this month? Because that would be violating the first rule of Baton-Face: you may not talk about Baton-Face until you have had your first fight.

In conclusion, I could take you.

p.s. 'hang'? please do not use that kind of language on my website. If you're going to swear, come on out and say fuck like the rest of us.

Sambo said...

And the tilde is both a diacritical mark and a C operator you rediculously stupid barbarian.

Go to school.

Cie Cheesemeister said...

When I was in 6th grade, I tried to learn how to twirl the baton so I could be pretty and graceful. However, when I threw it up in the air, it usually ended up coming down and hitting me in the face! Although a stunning beauty at the age of 12 (NOT! I had buck teeth that put Bugs Bunny to shame!) I was far from graceful.
Would this make me the inventor of the solo version of Baton-Face? :-)

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Certainly, but you will need to design a flash leader-board to qualify for the International Baton-Face Association.