Awry, Amiss, Amok

 

For the first six months of this year, I pretended to be a chef. Hence I have acquired some skills. Girls only date boys with skills, so as a public service I shall share a skill with you. Perhaps this will become a regular feature - Richard D. Bartlett's How to Score Babes Using Culinary Mastery...

Episode One: To Cook a Delicious Steak
Steak is delicious; someone said it is like a good cake with a particularly delicious icing. Steak has a lot of social gender associations that need to be kept at the forefront of your mind at all times. For instance, deep down, every woman wants a man to cook her a delicious steak, and for him to cook it perfectly. Also, to be a man, you must ensure your steak is more rare than that of the woman you are cooking it for. If you are eating out, ask for 'still moo-ing', to be really impressive. With this in mind, you can begin to consider purchasing a delicious steak.

Rule number one: Pak'N'Save hates you and wants you to die alone and miserable. Under no circumstances should you purchase steak from a discounted retailer. Thirty dollar steaks cost that much for a reason: they are delicious. If you must buy from a supermarket, New World will see you right, but if you have the time, go to Moore Wilson's - that's where all the restaurants go. Organic steak from Commonsense is also potentially delicious but tends to be somewhat hit-and-miss. Steak is like red wine, the price directly reflects the deliciousness, almost without exception. Remember, you are trying to impress a hot babe here; when it comes to hot babes, penny-pinchers, like nice guys, always come last. If you feel bad about paying $38.00/kg then just be sure to leave the receipt in an obvious place to ensure your babe knows how impressed she should be.

Now you have your delicious steak sitting in your fridge at home, the price tag burning into your conscience, making you feel a little sick - what next? Take it out of the fridge! Before you cook a steak it needs to be at room temperature, for two reasons. Number one, the temperature shock of cold steak on hot pan makes for a tough and non-delicious steak. Number two, because your steak is going to be rare, it is only going to spend a few glorious seconds on the pan and you want to make sure the centre is not cold.

A good way to bring a cold steak up to room temperature quickly is to massage it with your bare, muscular hands. You should always massage it, in any case. A big steak is a sizeable portion of a cow, an animal with a lot of mana, and you should respect it. Remember though, massage, not pulverize. A good steak won't need to be tenderized, you just want to loosen it up and prepare it for its delicious destiny.

Like everything ever, steak needs to be seasoned. Crack heaps of pepper all over it, but don't put any salt on it until after it is cooked - salting raw meat draws the delicious juices out (which is a bad thing).

So you have a delicious, expensive, massaged, room-temperature, peppered steak sitting there. So far you can't have done anything wrong. Now comes the crucial bit. You have to look your steak in the eye (that's a butchery joke) and say, "Listen steak, I respect you, but I am the man in this equation - you will bow to my skills and relinquish your deliciousness, for the sake of the eternal happiness of me and my babe." You absolutely must believe you have the skills to cook a delicious steak to perfection, otherwise you may as well be cooking patties.

Take the heaviest pan you have and get it hot. Ridiculously hot. Cookbooks, the kind that are a little edgy and tongue-in-cheek (but not so edgy as Jamie Oliver), tell you to get the pan 'as hot as you dare'. This is exactly right. Are you not a man? Can you not get the pan any hotter than that? I use the front left element on my stove, because the thermostat is broken and it gets so hot you can actually see the rift forming in the space-time continuum. This part is very important, please pay attention - the pan must be hot (that's also why you use a heavy pan, so the heat is spread out as evenly as possible).

Only when you have your pan so hot you want your mother to hold you, you can put a little fat or oil in. We used rice bran oil last week and it caused a sizeable fire and an immense volume of smoke. Therefore, I will henceforth stick to grapeseed oil, but I'm sure just about anything will do the trick. You want to cook each side of the steak for as long as you can without burning it, basically. A really hot pan will burn the living snot out of a steak in about 45 seconds. Proper chefs will tell you otherwise, but you really can keep checking every 5 seconds to make sure you are getting it browned without getting it blacked. When it is looking delicious, flip it and do the same to the other side. If you are a man, your steak is now ready and delicious. However, you can't expect hot babes to eat raw, dripping, delicious steak, so put it in a hot oven for three to six minutes.

You're welcome.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dan said...

Wow.

...and, Wow.

rachel said...

i think to really get 'babes' 'real' men should learn to cook something a little more creative than steak. sorry.

Sambo said...

Like me, I don't even EAT steak. Come marry me, Rachel, who ever you are. I cook some mean Sarcean flavah'.

Being an Arab, you will be wife number seven, I hope you don't mind.

Matthew said...

I believe RDB is mearly laying down the basics. Steak being them. Personally, I think that an attractive side dish of salad is also a sure-fire hit.

Sambo said...

Rachel is a feminist. She told me. But she will soon succumb to our unshaven rule and salad harem. I looked into the mansphere and it told me the future.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Rachel, you have obviously never tasted my steak.

Allan Mansfield said...

wow,
rich, you've really missed the train on this one. You see there are actually no hot chicks who eat meat anymore. Shit but true. You see they all think they're fat and think that meat is going to make them fatter, so they're all veggie. bitches.

Allan Mansfield said...

also, if you are going to be a hard out you would point out that in the pan with the steak you throw butter, not oil, along with a clove or two of garlic and perhaps some rosemary. you place these in slightly before the steak so the butter absorbs the flavours of the garlic and herbs. The butter is then absorbed by the meat and forms a much better glaze than oil as well as sealing in flavours.

Anonymous said...

Steak = good. Don't go ruining it with salad, especially not that fancy shit.

Why if I hadn't just downed a protein shake (in order to gain some weight as I'm impossibly thin at the moment), I'd be high-tailing it to the nearest 24-7 supermarket to get myself the biggest most expensive piece of steak I could find.

Unfortunately the protein shake has over-ruled this notion.

JtotheEtotheY

Anonymous said...

Jey is trying to be clever. But being gey has over-ruled this notion.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Ha! Anonymous, I'll give you clever in a minute, if you're not careful!

And Allan, while I appreciate that too many girls are vegetarians, this does not negate the fact that deep down every woman wants a man to cook her a delicious steak. It's sexual. Furthermore, as to your suggestions of flavouring:

First of all, I prefer my steak naked, because a good steak is tasty enough to be perfect with only a little salt and pepper. If you want more flavour, deglaze the pan with red wine after you're finished cooking, and add some beef stock and brown sugar for a delightful jus.

And finally, what the shit are you doing with rosemary on steak? Rosemary is for new potatoes. Sage is for steak. You make me sick to the core of my being.

Sambo said...

Homos.

Allan Mansfield said...

richard. You dont really know. I'll give you jus

Richard D. Bartlett said...

That has got to be your most pitiful attempt at a come-back to date. You sicken me so much I just vom'd all over my keyboard and on my pants and jacket and also a bit on my shoes.

Allan Mansfield said...

oh I'm sorry mr big man. i guess its hard for you trying to tell me about cooking when I've been around far superior kitchens to what your limp steak has ever seen.

limp.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Al.

In the words of Blue, "You're making it hard for me." So I'm just going to go right on ahead and give you the recipe for Entrecôte Hongroise:

Pan = hott (but not quite as hot as if you are just doing naked steak). Fry some finely chopped shallots (cute little onions if you like) along with a diced red capsicum in oil for about 6 minutes, til they are starting to go brown. Then you pull them out and put your peppered steaks in til they are a teeny bit crusty (they will get a bit more crusty than usual because of the sugars from the veg). When your steak is nearly cooked, chuck the shallots and capsicum back in, along with a couple of slugs of red wine. Keep the pan hot this whole time; after about two minutes the wine will have reduced and you're left with some quality syrup. Now the trick to the hongroise is to add a tablespoon of crème fraîche, two pinches of paprika, and craploads of good salt.

If you're paying attention you'll notice the flavours are all kinds of awesome: sweet shallots, meaty meat, creamy crème, tangy wine, 'craploads' of salt and finally there's the bang from the paprika. Garnish with watercress. Zang!

But of course Allan, you don't need me to tell you how to make Entrecôte Hongroise, I mean gosh (!), you used to be a waiter! Oh and don't let me sell you short, didn't you also make pizza's at one point?

In conclusion, you have a big bore exhaust.

Allan Mansfield said...

I can hear something grinding....wait, I think its the sand chaffing your vagina. Richard, I never made it hard for you. I just offered a little suggestion on how to cook a slightly better steak, with advice given to me by real chefs, who were actually trained on how to cook properly, but if your head is too inflated to take a little suggestion then maybe you should go and shit.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

pizza boys don't count as chefs bro.

Sambo said...

Mudbrick restaurant you diddle.

Stop taking recipies off the internet and rewording them so you can claim you know stuff.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Sam, you shut up. Don't tell me what I can and can not do on my own website.

And of all the people you know, I think it is pretty fair to say that I'm the one who knows the most stuff. Even Big Homoerotic Allan wouldn't deny that.

He also wouldn't deny that your vegeterianism excludes you from this debate.

And for your information I made Hongroise for dinner last night.

Sambo said...

For your information this isin't YOUR website, this is blogger.com's website and you just miffed with one of their templates. They own you and this webspace. Ringer.

Peter Caddy said...

Listen boys. I got Rich his job in the kitchen because I knew he'd be good. And he is. The chef who taught him to cook steak in this way was Brad Dalton... I have never had a better steak in my life than from this talented man.
I also have to agree with Rich that if the staek is good enough there is no need for more than salt and pepper (they may not be flash but there is a reason they're the most popular condiments).

I look forward to trying your steak Richard.

Sambo said...

That didn't sound like Peter Caddy at all.

Also,
http://imdb.com/title/tt0417148/

J.E.Y. said...

Hmmm, what makes you think I was trying to be clever?

For a start, I don't need to try.

Secondly, the only thing I was "trying" to do with my comment was dispel Allan's theory that no hot chicks eat meat anymore, and Rachel's idea that girl's require more creativity in the kitchen than a good steak.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

I'd love to continue this discussion, but I'm afraid the steaks are too high.

...

...

(I can't believe it, either)

Richard D. Bartlett said...

...

...

all you hot babes are going to burn me at the steak for that pun.

...

blink

...

Richard D. Bartlett said...

Guys!

I was just having a laugh!

Gosh, I didn't think you'd all go silent - I guess I didn't realise what was at steak.

Richard D. Bartlett said...

My misteak.

Allan Mansfield said...

wow. how about you dig that hole deeper richard. I mean, your arguement is just so shit... it'd be great to see you sink to a new level. for the record, you dont know the most, and I've seen sam eat meat.

maybe you should change your name to Tits McGee.

Daniel B. McClelland said...

I'm with Rich. This is the bestest 2005 post I have read on any of the Wellington blogs I frequent. Thank you heartily Chud, for the advice will go down nicely on Sunday evening. Part of the selection process of hot babes is how much meat they eat, and their views on steak. Please continue your recipes here mate, I appreciate it.

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Sarah said...

I have let the steaks come to room temp, massaged, and peppered. Iwill will update you on my progress.

Brad said...

To really attract a woman, you need a good tube steak

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