Awry, Amiss, Amok


After weeks of ogling videos online, last Saturday Terence and I finally went for our first le parkour run. We started outside Te Papa; by the time we got round to Frank Kitts we were already embarrassingly exhausted. We resolved that evening that we would have to start cardio training to have any show of being cool. Turns out you can't be a hardout without being a hardout. At Allan's advice, I went for my first night run tonight.

I headed further up the hill into the suburbs - I want the home stretch to be downhill. I don't know how far I'll get, so I just stick to the cul-de-sacs and bus turn-a-rounds so I'm never too far from home. I've got Maynard in my ears and with every drum fill I punch the air in front of me. It is cold and smells like nothing. The lighting is a disconcerting mix of suburban faux-colonial lamps and overly sensitive security lights. The polystyrene lego double garage houses are dense and mute. I jump recycling bins and touch my toes, clear rubbish bags with full-o-fruits. There's a pretty girl so I leap over the bonnet of her VW. I'm at the top of the hill, track five starts as I turn around. At the T-intersection I surprise myself by turning right - the long way round. I turn right again at the next T-, even though I know this road goes all the way down to the shops uninterrupted. I get my second wind about the same time as my second blister. Track nine starts just before I get to the street where I live so I have to take another detour. The lyrics follow the Fibonacci sequence and he's singing, 'follow the spiral - swing on the spiral'. My mind isn't separated from my body like he says but it's only my first time out.

Sibling Rap Duo Formed - Rhymes, Beats Fly

Annab says:
u and your slang brother. got me dazed and bewildered
Richard D. Bartlett says:
that sounds like a song
a hip song
Annab says:
coz im hip
even my prose sounds like poetry dont u know
Richard D. Bartlett says:
holy crap
you must be 'in demand'
Annab says:
u could 'say that'
coz im so phat
Richard D. Bartlett says:
your ryhmes are like aratatatatat
Annab says:
iv often thought so
Richard D. Bartlett says:
you even abbreviate contractions! gosh you are taking the popular bull by the horns
Annab says:
u make me blush
Richard D. Bartlett says:
i better shush
Annab says:
like a head rush
Richard D. Bartlett says:
woah your's was way better
my rhymes is fettered
but yours is like a jet setter
Annab says:
somethign about letter
Richard D. Bartlett says:
i guess im an understimulated internetter
nope - turns out i am just as cool
Annab says:
thats not a word
Richard D. Bartlett says:
thats what I'm talking about "yo"!
Annab says:
so gird
ur loins and
join a band and
Richard D. Bartlett says:
you cant ryhme and with and
Annab says:
make it a grammatical type school
where they teach u how not to be a fool
and to realise
how to be wise
and notice that
Richard D. Bartlett says:
you are a twat?
Annab says:
and rhymes with band so that
u will appreciate
ur sisters recent talent of late
to make art with the written form
noon night and morn
Richard D. Bartlett says:
for your lack of skill, i mourn
i am a 14-point deer - you are but a fawn
Annab says:
till the break of dawn?
Richard D. Bartlett says:
your words make me yawn
you never deviate from the norm
Annab says:
watch out you dont get shot
if ur head is so hot
Richard D. Bartlett says:
ive got a quick triple trot
Annab says:
u might get bitten
or smitten
Richard D. Bartlett says:
youre old school like mother brittain
Annab says:
by an evil tv
old school's
thats always the rule
like a wooden spool
and a yoked mule
and gruel
Richard D. Bartlett says:
im drowning in my drool
Annab says:
so u are smitten
Richard D. Bartlett says:
i have half a mind to slap you with my mitten
Annab says:
praps uv bitten
the poisonous apple
of love that grapples
and gripples
Richard D. Bartlett says:
listen to your dribble
Annab says:
at the nipple (in an analogy relating to pain) of the soul
Richard D. Bartlett says:
i'll play you like a fiddle
Annab says:
and makes a hole
Richard D. Bartlett says:
your line s are strictly middle
like a nanna in a girdle
Annab says:
so big
Richard D. Bartlett says:
Annab says:
ull need a wig
(there goes that abbreviating again)
which reminds me of how funky i am
Richard D. Bartlett says:
you are about as funky as jam
Annab says:
breaking social norms
stayin up late in the dorms
Richard D. Bartlett says:
with guys called Norm
Richard D. Bartlett says:
Annab says:
good luck
Richard D. Bartlett says:
we both know i'll out perform
Annab says:
why cant we
combine and then be
the coolest sibling duo rhymers
Richard D. Bartlett says:
since a couple of old timers
Annab says:
this cities ever see
i aint old
uv a voice of gold
and sideburns to make
a youthful girl break
her youthful heart
and part
with all her aforeheld morals
we could do some sort a choral
or dance
Richard D. Bartlett says:
not a chance
maybe if this were france
and you a frog
Annab says:
at a glance
Richard D. Bartlett says:
but youre more like a dog
looking askance
Annab says:
uld see
what an opportunity
this be
not to be missed
yould be kissed and kissed
Richard D. Bartlett says:
you'd never pay my royalty fee
Annab says:
we'd be first on the list
of the top ten
funky duos and then
i would teach u my special tips
on how to dance and sway ur hips
in just the way that keeps
the young and old and in between peeps
begging for more
till it'd be against the lor
to sway and jiggle
and have a giggle
as good as we could
whaddaya say
il give u a day
Richard D. Bartlett says:
Annab says:
is that all u say?
Richard D. Bartlett says:
Annab says:
Richard D. Bartlett says:


For the first six months of this year, I pretended to be a chef. Hence I have acquired some skills. Girls only date boys with skills, so as a public service I shall share a skill with you. Perhaps this will become a regular feature - Richard D. Bartlett's How to Score Babes Using Culinary Mastery...

Episode One: To Cook a Delicious Steak
Steak is delicious; someone said it is like a good cake with a particularly delicious icing. Steak has a lot of social gender associations that need to be kept at the forefront of your mind at all times. For instance, deep down, every woman wants a man to cook her a delicious steak, and for him to cook it perfectly. Also, to be a man, you must ensure your steak is more rare than that of the woman you are cooking it for. If you are eating out, ask for 'still moo-ing', to be really impressive. With this in mind, you can begin to consider purchasing a delicious steak.

Rule number one: Pak'N'Save hates you and wants you to die alone and miserable. Under no circumstances should you purchase steak from a discounted retailer. Thirty dollar steaks cost that much for a reason: they are delicious. If you must buy from a supermarket, New World will see you right, but if you have the time, go to Moore Wilson's - that's where all the restaurants go. Organic steak from Commonsense is also potentially delicious but tends to be somewhat hit-and-miss. Steak is like red wine, the price directly reflects the deliciousness, almost without exception. Remember, you are trying to impress a hot babe here; when it comes to hot babes, penny-pinchers, like nice guys, always come last. If you feel bad about paying $38.00/kg then just be sure to leave the receipt in an obvious place to ensure your babe knows how impressed she should be.

Now you have your delicious steak sitting in your fridge at home, the price tag burning into your conscience, making you feel a little sick - what next? Take it out of the fridge! Before you cook a steak it needs to be at room temperature, for two reasons. Number one, the temperature shock of cold steak on hot pan makes for a tough and non-delicious steak. Number two, because your steak is going to be rare, it is only going to spend a few glorious seconds on the pan and you want to make sure the centre is not cold.

A good way to bring a cold steak up to room temperature quickly is to massage it with your bare, muscular hands. You should always massage it, in any case. A big steak is a sizeable portion of a cow, an animal with a lot of mana, and you should respect it. Remember though, massage, not pulverize. A good steak won't need to be tenderized, you just want to loosen it up and prepare it for its delicious destiny.

Like everything ever, steak needs to be seasoned. Crack heaps of pepper all over it, but don't put any salt on it until after it is cooked - salting raw meat draws the delicious juices out (which is a bad thing).

So you have a delicious, expensive, massaged, room-temperature, peppered steak sitting there. So far you can't have done anything wrong. Now comes the crucial bit. You have to look your steak in the eye (that's a butchery joke) and say, "Listen steak, I respect you, but I am the man in this equation - you will bow to my skills and relinquish your deliciousness, for the sake of the eternal happiness of me and my babe." You absolutely must believe you have the skills to cook a delicious steak to perfection, otherwise you may as well be cooking patties.

Take the heaviest pan you have and get it hot. Ridiculously hot. Cookbooks, the kind that are a little edgy and tongue-in-cheek (but not so edgy as Jamie Oliver), tell you to get the pan 'as hot as you dare'. This is exactly right. Are you not a man? Can you not get the pan any hotter than that? I use the front left element on my stove, because the thermostat is broken and it gets so hot you can actually see the rift forming in the space-time continuum. This part is very important, please pay attention - the pan must be hot (that's also why you use a heavy pan, so the heat is spread out as evenly as possible).

Only when you have your pan so hot you want your mother to hold you, you can put a little fat or oil in. We used rice bran oil last week and it caused a sizeable fire and an immense volume of smoke. Therefore, I will henceforth stick to grapeseed oil, but I'm sure just about anything will do the trick. You want to cook each side of the steak for as long as you can without burning it, basically. A really hot pan will burn the living snot out of a steak in about 45 seconds. Proper chefs will tell you otherwise, but you really can keep checking every 5 seconds to make sure you are getting it browned without getting it blacked. When it is looking delicious, flip it and do the same to the other side. If you are a man, your steak is now ready and delicious. However, you can't expect hot babes to eat raw, dripping, delicious steak, so put it in a hot oven for three to six minutes.

You're welcome.


Oh my word, voting is So Exciting! So, I'm in the Voting Booth and I figure it is about time to decide who to vote for. I mean the party vote is obvious, Greens to the days, yo! It's a vote for Helen but not for Labour - perfect! But the candidate vote had me stumped; how do I keep it real on a local politics level? Keeping in mind that I consider 'keeping it real' to be approximately equivalent to 'drinking at inappropriate times' (216.324 final exam - woo!), I had to figure out who deserved my valuable tick. So I voted Appleby of the Legalise Cannabis Aotearoa party. Woo! So real!

Oh, if only there were a Rock & Roll party!


I made my first screenprint today. In dark brown, on a whitish t-shirt with brown bands. For Peter. I haven't given it to him yet, so Shhh!


Do something today that you will be embarrassed about tomorrow.


On Celia's couch at 3am last Sunday morning, this song made me realise that System of a Down is finally a force to be reckoned with. Mesmerize is on my top 5 albums of the year. It has the same energy as Tool's Lateralus but with much more cynicism and self-deprecation. Woo! A lot of the songs link the culture of cool with the culture of violence; I mean, comparing the war in Iraq with an American high school party is brilliant: Everybody's going to the party have a real good time/ Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for serious discussion of serious issues, but honestly, there's a place for:

My cock is much bigger than yours
My cock can walk right through the door
With a feeling so pure
It's got you screaming back for...

My shit stinks much better than yours
My shit stinks right down to the floor
With a feeling a feeling so pure
It's got you coming back for...

Can't you see that we are hardcore?
Can't you see that we are hardcore?

8½ out of 10.


We were driving to Nanna's wedding in a big bus when the driver slammed on the brakes and went up the back of a small truck. I was terrified, "I saw this coming just before it happened!" From the back of the bus I yelled to the driver, "Keep your hair on you old fuckwit!" and everyone laughed.


Reese's Cups, Milk Duds, Vanilla Coke, Pineapple Lumps, pick and/or mix, Whittakers Almond Gold, Cadbury Triple Deck, Starburst Fruit Frenzy, TipTop Saucy As (x2), RJ's Soft Eating Red Licorice


Sometimes I close my eyes and I am in the middle of an American made-for-TV movie standing on the diamond in the bright lights and clear night sky chewing gum and winding up for a pitch or maybe I'm in the middle of a ring of high school students and I fight them all one by one.


It is fun to be all pissy about the States all the time, but right now they are in a shit that is not of their own making. Nice people are doing nice things though.


I made a new friend.
Another heart-broken one.
I started a song.